It’s silly, sad, and then silly again so that you don’t stay sad for longer then a minute.

I reminisced on my childhood crushes.  I thought of my singledom and lost causes.  Mostly though, I contemplated on the current.

I’m engaged to the man of my dreams.  It’s not going to be easy, I’m not naive.  I’m extremely thankful for the life I have lived, because I finally feel ready to try to be the best wife I can be, to a man that is already the best husband just the way he is.

Love comes in many forms.  It’s always stupid and crazy.  If you’re lucky, it’s stupid and crazy in the best way possible.

I have been meaning to write a happy blog for a while, so today is as good as any.  Perhaps it’s because this weekend started with me, on the via rail, coming back to Toronto, with a good book in my hand.  Little Princes may not be written by a Pulitzer Prize winner, but there was a certain connection I felt reading about a fellow blogger.  His journey to Nepal to save the children from exploitation was touching, and surprisingly funny!  The stories about how the children can find so much joy with so little just warms my heart.

When the train pulled into Union Station, I was forced to put the novel down.  Walking on the platform with a back pack in tow, it felt like Europe all over again.  However, this time I felt anew because I was really coming home as if I just stepped off the plane.  The only vision that occupied my mind was my fiance, and the only thing I wanted to do was to throw my bags on the ground so that I could bowl him over with the tightest bear hug a cub would be jealous of.

This weekend was made of many splendors: hanging out with my cousins, getting a make over from my best friend, watching the hilarious stand up comic Louie CK live, and watching the famous Steven Page open for Louie CK!!!!  I’ve never laughed so hard at a stand up gig, but perhaps it was also 3000 people filling an auditorium with laughter that made the comedy a little more infectious.

The climax of the night however, was after the show.  Up until Saturday night, I was the only person in the world who has ever heard Alfred sing.  As of Saturday October 15th 11pm, I found out that not only does Alfred have a gorgeous voice, but he blew everyone away at karaoke when he rapped out every single word to Juicy (by Biggy Smalls) from memory. Alfred can’t remember what we did yesterday, but he secretly etched in every pearl of wisdom rhymed from Notorious BIG when he was a teenager.  I was never more proud, shocked, and baffled at the same time. What can I say, I love many things about him.

The weekend ended with two turkeys roasted from scratch with the fixings.  I may have reached my quota on expendable energy for the day, but it was satisfying to watch close friends having a good time and devour food I made.

Until next time Toronto!

Last Saturday I decided to join my fiancé in an intense bootcamp workout to jump start my attempt on getting fit for our wedding. It was one hour of absolute torture. We were split into teams and each team had a coach to make sure we did not stop at any cost. The goal was to do our personal best, and to rack up as many points possible. The air was thick and the competition was fierce. I pushed myself until every muscle refused my commands to go further. After the last rep I collapsed. Pictures and videos can be found on GameChanger on facebook.

My fiancé also destroyed himself on Saturday, but he was more or less fine the next day. I, however, had extreme muscle soreness to the point that I was only able to lift my arms high enough to brush my teeth and could barely hobble to work.

The seriousness of the situation changed drastically on Tuesday from being poked fun of at work to being emitted in the hospital. My urine was a dark tea colour and I knew immediately I had rhabdomylysis. I was at risk of kidney failure due to toxins released into my blood stream from my severely damaged muscles. The labs took an extra hour trying to dilute my blood to find out exactly how toxic it was. They never saw numbers so high. I have been hooked up to an IV ever since, in attempt to pump as much fluids to flush out the toxins.

So far the worst of the brunt, besides being poked with so many needles that I’m running low on viable veins, is that every single day I get massive migraines that feels like my skull is about to crack open. The doctors have no idea why. I am hanging by a thread with a cocktail of pain killers that work intermittently.

Today was the first time I broke down in tears. The migraine was so bad that the only thing I could do was wrap a soft pillow case around my eyes, lie like a mummy while I focused on relaxing my throbbing muscles and waited until I could take my next batch of pain killers. I realized that mere ibuprofin was no match for my debilitating headaches. I had to take dilaudid, a moderate narcotic prescribed to our terminally ill cancer patients. Although my dose of course is much less.

Thus far, my blood toxins have finally dropped enough to a measurable level without dilution. It will take at least another two days until I am healthy enough to go home, but I still can’t workout for the next several weeks. Which means I will have to miss my beloved ballet lessons.

The only thing that has kept me sane are my friends in London who have come visit me every chance they get, dropping off care packages and goodies. Friends from home also send me well wishes via phone calls and text. My crucial crutch to lend me strength is my fiancé that drives in from Toronto every night to see me for a few hours and then drive back the same night to go to work the next morning. My dear sister that came into London last night to make sure I was well fed and bought me good ol’ McDonalds sausage egg mcmuffin this morning while running wedding ideas to keep my mind busy put a smile to my face.

I may be in a lot of pain, but even as far as London, Ontario I feel like a lucky girl to have so many people care for me. Now all I have to do is be patient while my body takes its slow sweet time to heal.

Lately I have been very stressed planning the wedding.  Venues, dates, guest list, photographer, videographers, it all costs a fortune if you want something you like.  The fact that I want a Toronto wedding but live two hours outside of Toronto is adding another layer of stress as you can understand.  Women always tell me it’s fun and they would love to do it all over again, but at this point I think they were lying to me.  The only way I can see this as being fun is if you have unlimited funds to spend.  Hence I bought 3 lottery tickets and a scratch card.  Thus far I have won nothing, but the big jack pot is this Friday.  Come on Lotto Max, I need my dream wedding!

Anyhow, the reason why I’m blogging at 8am (unheard of) is not because of wedding planning nightmares, although it is a nightmare of sorts and it may be due to wedding planning.  I am engaged to the most honest, loyal man who loves me dearly and would never do anything to hurt me.  In fact, he knows that I have been stressing so much that he told me not to worry about the money and just have the wedding that I want.  He is so trustworthy that when I went to United Kingdom for a year, everyone was telling me to behave because Alfred (my fiance) is such a sweet guy.  Believe me when I saw I have no idea why I had this nightmare.

This morning, I dreamed that Alfred broke up with me right before we were getting married.  We even picked up the wedding bands already.  I was devastated.  I couldn’t understand why, until he told me he was going to be with another girl.  A girl that I know, whom I have known for a long time, but have not kept in contact with.  I was heartbroken and lost and thankfully my sister was there with me.  This other girl confronted me about it, and I could see all the things that she had that maybe Alfred wanted.  We were in the car together, but I had to leave.  I ran out of the car and back towards the place that Alfred and I went to pick up the rings.  I ran with my sister.  Then I realized that I didn’t want to find Alfred to get back together with him.  I wanted to slap him with every ounce of energy I had, yell at  him with all my might, and unleash the rage inside me.  I believe I was so emotional and distraught that I woke up an hour prior to my alarm.  If I were able to go through the rest of my nightmare I probably would have gone through all 7 stages of grieving. 

I called Alfred immediately, he was of course sleeping and groggy from working late last night.  I asked him if he was working late all the time recently because there is another girl.  He said no.  I asked him if he still loved me and want to marry me.  He said yes. I actually don’t even think he’s going to remember me calling him because he was probably still sleeping when he was talking to me.  I use to have lots of these nightmares ages ago but that was with another terrible guy who actually cheated on me.  Alfred is the complete opposite and literally is the man I’ve always wanted.  We love each other dearly and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.  I believed Alfred when he answered my silly questions, but why am I still upset?

I still exercise 3 hours a week and trying my best to stay green. However months of listening to Planet Money podcasts has inspired a new change in me. This challenge is going to take much longer then a week, but I’ve got to start somewhere. After much procrastination I am finally going to try to get my finances in order.

I’m almost 31 years old and my financial portfolio is pretty much nonexistent. I’ve seen recent studies that show a strong positive correlation between 3 year olds that can’t control their need for instant gratification and 30 year olds that don’t own a dime. What that means? When I was a kid I would watch cartoons instead of cleaning my room and now I own 100 pairs of shoes instead of a home. However I’m not totally done for.

I believe that its never to late to change. I think the strength of my will power as an adult trumps my up bringing as a child. I am determined to find a balance between happiness and financial responsibility.

My first step, seeking help from the professionals. I’m going to walk into the bank and weigh my options. My goal is to pay off my student loans, learn to invest my money, and still have just enough to indulge myself once in a while. Is that in itself too much to ask? I don’t know. I’ll let you know next week.

If I could play exiting music right now like a real podcast I would play Abba’s “Money money money…” Until next time folks!

I am truest when I allow myself to feel.

But feelings are fickle.

Life is a balance of heart and head.

Others are driven by reality.

Why am I driven by dreams?

I’ve been a grown adult for over a decade,

But I only resemble one when it’s necessary.

Deep down I feel small and youthful.

I am emotional first and foremost,

Logic eventually follows.

Patience has never been one of my virtues.

My impulses get the better of me,

And that scares me.

The two sides of my brain are in constant battle,

But who is right?

Why is the other wrong?

Is it enough to just want love, meaning, happiness?

All I have are my feelings.

All I can do is make the move.

All what’s left is time to reveal the consequences of my action.

It’s easy to carry a caring persona when times are good, but when
times are rough, insecurities clouds the better judgment. Life is a long journey to overcome these weaknesses. The first step is to acknowledge the lesson to be learned before change can be accomplished. I am building the courage to take the first step.

I have been working in close proximity with cars for my part-time job and it has inspired me to write this blog.  In addition, gas prices are sky rocketing so there are many reasons to read on.

Certainly the best method to save fossil fuel is to simply walk, cycle, or take public transportation.  Unfortunately, city planners have made this quite difficult for some people who work far from home or in areas beyond the reach of buses and subways.  If you have to drive, there are still many things we can do to save the environment.

A few green driving tips:

- Take off your roof rack if you are not using it.

- Car pool.

- Keeping up with maintenance and oil changes.

- For those manual cars, shift to a higher gear as soon as you can. Most websites recommend up shifting at 2000-2500 rpm.

- Drive at or below speed limit.

- When renting a car, rent a hybrid, diesel or bio-diesel vehicle.

Last but not least, chill the rage.  Angry drivers who stomp on the accelerator not only raises their blood pressure, but wastes a lot of fuel.  In most cases, road rage does not get the driver to the destination any faster.   Driving relaxed and more efficient will make you happier, your wallet heavier, and the environment greener.